Otter Love

As the drum begins, I invoke the dragon Illuminare. She appears immediately beautifully bright and luminescent. It is difficult for me to look at her. She is kind and understanding about this. She tells me I am simply a reflection of you. I blurt out I am useless.  As the word take shape, I know in my heart I truly believe this. My brave face crumples and I begin to cry. A romp of otters begins to run towards me, by me, then past me. She tells me to follow them. I follow them to the water’s edge where I sit down on the sandy beach. Waves of grief come over me. All the dark feelings of my own worthlessness and my lack of value flood to the surface. An otter crawls into my lap staring lovingly into my eyes. I lay down on the sand and the otters cover me like a dog pile. I welcome the weight of their bodies as grief consumes me. Wave after wave of grief washes over me. I do not resist feeling all of it. Crying for all the parts of me that believe I do not matter. I ask for loving compassion for myself in this moment. The otters help ground me so I am not worried I will be lost forever in grief. The contractions in both the front and back of my heart are intense. I can feel releasing in the deeper parts of my pelvic girdle. A vision comes. I am a small child and a parent stands over me yelling. This was my childhood. Why are people so mean? Do they not understand the consequences of what they do to others? I begin to sob even harder. The otters remain piled on me through all of this until the giant tsunami waves of grief subside into gentle lapping waves. They tell me to come swim with them so I belly crawl into the water. The water feels cool and refreshes me. I float on the surface watching them dive down to catch food on the ocean’s floor. They bob up to the surface then form a flotilla around me locking arms. They share the food each one has passing it back and forth. All are included, including me. As we float, I begin to understand it is my grief that I shunned away. With this realization, the otters and water dissipate and she is now standing in front of me. I grab Grief Shelly and hug her tightly. I love you; I tell her. I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. Taking her hand, we return together to the temple of Shelly’s. I open the temple door and welcome her home.