Defended

As the drum begins, I can see very clearly an aspect of myself. She is defended and stiff. Her arms raised up to protect herself. Her head turned down and to the right with eyes shut tight. She is alone and very afraid. In journey space I ask for help in finding her. An enormous purple dragon lands in front of me with a heavy thud motioning for me to get on her back. Climbing onto the dragon’s back she spreads her enormous wings lifting us into the air. We fly in the darkness until we reach a body of water. The dragon takes a nose dive into the water. A sperm whale comes and I grabbed its tail as we go down, down, down. Deep in to the watery abyss we go until we end up in some kind of white area. As I start walking a beach comes into full view. A little girl is walking on the beach towards me. When we meet, I ask if she is who I am looking for? She shakes her head no in response. Beach girl tells me she represents the girl I am looking for.  She sends a representative because I am not trustworthy. The gravity of myself not trusting myself sinks in.  I fall to my knees crying and apologizing for all the horrible things I have done to myself. I am sobbing saying a prayer- I am sorry, please forgive me, I Love you, Thank you. The pain in my heart is intense. I can’t stop crying as a piece of my heart goes into deep contractions. I keep saying I love you. It feels like love is going to tear my heart apart. I move through the intense emotion allowing all of it. My own betrayal runs deep. I accept this with humility asking forgiveness. I hold myself in compassion. Quite suddenly I am not on the beach anymore and the part of me I am looking for is now in front of me. She is tucked back into the corner of a dark cave. She is in the same posture, arms up and defended, eyes closed tightly shut. I don’t approach her. She is already in fear. Instead, I sit down and start playing a flute. The flute is so beautiful it almost takes my breath away. The flute’s melody is moving straight into her heart. I can feel it because she is me. Slowly ever so slowly she begins to lower her arms. Her head begins to raise with her eyes blinking open. She stands dumbfounded for a moment then falls to her knees crying. The intensity in my heart takes over. It might break. It’s OK. I know how to mend it. I stop playing the flute and reach out my hand to her.  She grabs my hand and the love between us explodes my heart. We are both weeping. It is such a relief to see her I am overcome with love. We dissolve out of that place and I can feel her merging into me. She is home safe.